Grab your guns! Obama’s going to take them.

Sign the petition: secede from the United States.

It seems like we’ve been here before.

It’s kind of interesting that “Lincoln” opened in theaters this week, because a week to the day after Barack Obama won re-election, a cacophony of conservatives is screaming. They’re outraged. They’re mortified.

It had to have been fraud, some say. He stole the election. That’s it.

Or, as an e-mail from the “Conservative-Daily” put it:

“BREAKING NEWS: Obama Uses Food Stamps to Buy Presidential Election.”

The author of the e-blast, Tony Adkins, explains that “Since 2008 welfare costs have skyrocketed to over a TRILLION dollars!!!” (Those are his exclamation marks – because, clearly, one exclamation mark wouldn’t have been enough.)

According to Adkins’ theory, welfare costs went up by almost a third since 2008, 32 percent, he says.

And here’s why:

“It is clear that President Obama is using welfare to politically enslave those members of society who would rather sit on their butts rather than give a hard days work for an honest wage. As stated earlier, since Obama took office we have seen welfare enrollment explode; it is now estimated that one in every five people are on welfare in this country. One in every five!! Liberals who want to use poverty as a voting block are using many of these new enrollees as political pawns.”

Ah-HAH!!!

Caught you, Obama!

OK, a slight disclaimer. Adkins’ pitches come with a copyright notice (this is really true). It reads (Really!): “Copyright © 2012 Shuffling Madness Media. All rights reserved.” (Really! Who could make this stuff up?)

Others insist (as they have throughout Obama’s first-term) that he’s out to take everyone’s guns away, with the help of the United Nations.

“The lights weren’t even turned off at the Barack Obama re-election celebration before the United Nations began plotting its gun grab again — with U.S. blessings,” Bob Livingston wrote on his Personal Liberty Digest. “The gun grab has begun and the next four years will see the 2^nd Amendment under assault in a way that’s unprecedented in America’s history.”

The thing is, they’re not alone in coming up with conspiracy theories about the president. Or about what we should do now that he won.

“We must contest every single inch of ground and delay the baby-murdering, tax-raising socialists at every opportunity,” one Texan wrote in an e-newsletter that went out right after the election. “But in due time, the maggots will have eaten every morsel of flesh off of the rotting corpse of the Republic, and therein lies our opportunity.”

“Texas was once its own country, and many Texans already think in nationalist terms about their state. We need to do everything possible to encourage a long-term shift in thinking on this issue. Why should Vermont and Texas live under the same government? Let each go her own way in peace, sign a free trade agreement among the states and we can avoid this gut-wrenching spectacle every four years,” he wrote.

Don’t think it’s just some whacko firing off e-notes. This one was sent out by Peter Morrison, the treasurer of the Hardin County Republican Party.

Students –yes, white students – protested Obama’s victory at the University of Mississippi.

“Shortly after midnight, several hundred mostly white students protested furiously, reportedly yelling anti-black racial slurs and throwing rocks at passing cars,” the prestigious Southern Poverty Law Center reported. “An Obama/Biden campaign sign was burned before campus police broke up the crowd.”

The reaction of the “radical right” the center continued “ranged from sputtering rage and name-calling to calls for a new Southern secession, mass emigration to Europe, or even the break-up of the United States.”

Some said, Run!”

“If you can immigrate to Europe you start making plans,” one wrote, according to SPLC.

Others, writing on Stormfront, the world’s largest white supremacist Web forum (It’s run by a former leader of the Alabama Ku Klux Klan.)

“Welcome to a truly white minority world,” one commenter wrote one. “The future is now. There is no denying this. The sun has set on humanity’s greatest era: 1500-2000. … [T]he only way to survive this war of annihilation is separatism. … [W]e have to choose regions or states.”

Thousands agreed.

As the Washington Post reported, people in 20 states signed petitions politely asking for permission to secede. (Remember the Civil War?)

“Petitions have been filed for Alabama, Arkansas, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oregon, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Texas.”

Almost all the petitions had similar wording.

“We petition the Obama Administration to peacefully grant the State of Alabama to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own new government.”

Just change the name of the state for the others.

Yeah, it’s not likely. Although, seriously, if 25,000 people sign, the White House must officially respond.

What’s got them so upset? The REAL reason. Maybe Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly explained it on the air.

“The white establishment is now the minority. And the voters, many of them, feel that the economic system is stacked against them and they want stuff.” He added: “The demographics are changing. It’s not a traditional America anymore.”

Hoo-boy! Fasten your seatbelts. This four years is going to be a bumpy ride.